nce upon a time, there was a cat that gagged on
cat food.
So the cat complained to its owneress, explaining that the taste of Tender Chunks of Diaphragm was horrendous.
The cat was initially ticked because the owneress didn't bother to try to understand Cat English, and instead assumed by default that the pleadings were for love and petting. However, the cat began to have mixed feelings regarding the misinterpretation because the owneress was quite proficient at the cat-stroking process, and the cat lost itself in love, and fell asleep.
But then the next day came, and the cat was fed Esophagus Morsels.
The cat despised Esophagus Morsels so much that after a couple of swallows, it decided to take ipecac to induce vomiting. The ipecac by comparison, the cat discovered, was palatable. What the cat really craved was blackbirds.
But the cat was lousy at catching birds. The cat even stowed away aboard a biplane to catch birds, but the pilot did not go near any. He instead flew high above everything, treating the cat and himself to some awesome views. (Of course, the pilot didn't know that he was doing this for the cat too.)
Once, the owneress took a business flight to Los Angeles, and brought the cat. The cat snuck out of its carrier and went to a window, hoping to see a blackbird get sucked into one of the engines, at which time it planned to go out and retrieve the bird from the exhaust end of the engine.
And that lucky cat! It actually got to see a blackbird get sucked in!
The cat then went to the cockpit and rubbed the captain's leg, hoping that he would understand what happened and let it out on the wing.
Apparently that cat didn't realize that, first, opening a door was impossible because of cabin pressurization blocking it shut; second, if it were possible, everything would be sucked out of the plane violently; third, it's well below zero outside at an altitude of 37,000 feet; fourth, traction would be impossible on the wings with the wind rushing over them at close to 600 miles per hour; fifth, that the jet exhaust would cook the cat; and sixth, the exhaust already cooked the bird into practically nothingness and spit its ashes out instantly.
Since the cage was stored, inaccessibly to people, in the baggage compartment (the cat had found a hole leading to the passenger section after sneaking out of its carrier cage, and this hole was too small for people to get through, though the cat's whiskers informed it that it was just the right size for itself), the flight attendant put it on a seat. Immediately a sunbeam appeared through the cat's window and bathed it with light, as sunbeams do to all cats that sleep in the day, and the cat began to dream.
It dreamed about being great at playing guitar and catching blackbirds at the same time. Sure it was a weird dream, but aren't most dreams a bit unusual?
Since none of the planes engines reversed in midair, the plane landed safely.
Well, a couple weeks later back at home, the cat was very determined to find something--anything--else to eat. The cat couldn't catch blackbirds, so it decided to open the cupboard and see if there was anything else it could have besides its usual ghastly gourmets.
However, the cat soon realized it couldn't read the cans. Well, the cat couldn't catch blackbirds either. But what if it had been able to read, the cat thought to itself. Then it could have at least read the cans. Then the cat could have always picked the can it wanted and refused the ones it didn't by meowing approval or howling disapproval as its owneress took them out of the cupboard.
So the next day, the cat snuck into the car of the family-next-door's daughter, who was a student at the local community college, and, upon arriving, enrolled in an English-as-a-second-language course.
Every morning the cat slinked into the car as the girl next door got ready to drive to school, never getting its tail caught in the door.
The cat tried its hardest as a student, even sitting in front of the class, taking generous notes. It managed to get a C-minus in the class, which is great for a cat.
The day the class was over was a big day for the cat because it had purposely put off reading the cans until the end of the semester, so that it could impress itself all at once with its ability to read them.
Dinner time came, and the cat's owneress went to the cupboard as usual, and started looking at the cans. She pulled out one, and after the cat made out the words "Little Bits O' Lamb Intestine," the cat shrieked. The owneress was amazed. Could the cat know what was in the cans somehow?
She kept pulling out more cans and the cat howled at each. She got to the final can. Still, the cat seemed to protest. She reached in the cupboard and pulled out a box, the only thing left. She said, "I know you're not going to want this, kitty."
But the cat could read. The box said, "Powdered Blackbird." The cat meowed with approval, rubbing its owneress's leg.
"Okay," she said, astonished. She had bought it from a health food store for herself after being temporarily convinced by the store owner that the powder was good for some rash she had at the time. At home she had come to her senses and decided to save up the powdered blackbird as last-minute, emergency cat food.
She read the directions, which said to add water and cook as pancakes if used as cat food. So the cat enjoyed some blackbird pancakes, and from then on never settled for second best.
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